Do you know the single biggest enemy of families every single day?
It’s not just a mailbox full of bills, or climate change, though it is certainly tangled up with those.
It is anxiety.
The horrible feeling that grips your insides, keeps you awake at night, and steals your happiness if you aren’t careful.
And who among us hasn’t had a kiddie anxious about going to school, or having unexplained tummy aches, waking with nightmares, or unable to fall asleep in the first place?
Anxiety is what makes some people (often men) fly off the handle, or be controlling. It makes us shout at our children when we don’t want to.
It is public enemy number one.
I was so concerned at the amount of anxiety in kids around the world that I have just spent three years searching for a powerful answer – and I think I have found it.
Some of the best neuroscientists in the world have discovered something quite amazing, and I have been working to put it in simple language.
So here it goes…
We have two minds!
Yes, you read that right.
We have our regular mind, which prattles on, gets defensive, goes in circles. This mind is still really great – for planning your shopping list, doing your tax, building bridges and hospitals. But it gets out of control so easily, and it keeps you awake at night or too distracted to enjoy or love your children.
But we also have – in the right side of our heads – a silent wild animal mind, which is super perceptive, amazing at reading faces and knowing who to trust, and holds all our memories, even the ones we can’t consciously remember.
This side of your mind knows where you left your keys! It knows what all animals know – leave tomorrow to tomorrow, enjoy the moment, love your life. And usually a growl is all it takes to get the cubs in line!
But this side has no words, so it talks to you in the way that all animals from the dawn of time have, with signals to your body!
You can test this – think of one of your children and notice what happens inside you when you do. Down in your torso, little stirrings or tightenings or softenings or swirls happen. If you think of another of your children (or your parents, or anyone really) then a different set of sensations happen. These are fresh and changing.
This is your ‘wild creature mind’ giving you an update. If you listen to those signals, they always have something to tell you. Often, it is just ‘let your shoulders drop from around your ears, breathe deeply, and know that you are loved’ (even just by an old psychologist writing for you from down in Tasmania).
So, how does it work?
If you are feeling anxious (or you want to help one of your children), then try this. Instead of saying ‘I am anxious’ (or angry, or any unpleasant feeling) say instead, ‘Something in me is anxious’. Notice that this has a different feeling! It kind of gives you some spaciousness and room to move. It’s not ALL of you, it’s just something going on down there, which you can look at kindly.
Then go down in your body and see where that feeling lives. What are the exact sensations, and how would you describe them if you were telling a friend?
As you do this, notice that the sensations begin to change. They either melt away and you don’t feel as bad, or they begin to alter or even move somewhere else. Perhaps you might feel a tear in your eye, or a little shudder. This is the feeling moving out of you. Perhaps you might feel strong and stirred up to do something.
Your ‘wild creature mind’ is like a panther walking alongside you, fierce and strong; or like a soft little kitten needing to be soothed and settled. You will know which it is.
Children can be helped by sitting with them and asking ‘Where is it in your body?’, ‘What is it like?’, ‘Does it have a colour?’ or the best question, ‘What is it wanting to say to you?’.
When you are listening to your body signals, you shift to the right hemisphere of your brain – the one that does not prattle or rush, but connects deeply with those around you. And if your child listens to their body, they feel loved and safe when they are with you at these times. It is the job of us parents to be less anxious than our children, so they can reregulate their nervous system. They just feel better and calmer around us and then, gradually, out into the world.
There are sometimes real things to be stirred up about, and our wild animal side knows which they are and gives us the warning signs plus the energy to act on them.
With both sides of our brain working as a team we can be both sensible and wise; fierce when we need to be, and calm when we don’t.
It is a fantastic thing to be able to transform anxiety using these simple skills.
WILD CREATURE MIND is in bookshops from 27 August.
You can follow Steve’s posts and videos on some of these methods on his
Raising Boys and Raising Girls Facebook pages, or at www.wildcreaturemind.com.
