By Casey Neill
When Tahlia Azaria’s first son Rafferty was three months old, her husband Joe Toohey returned home from work and asked what she’d done that day.
The Coburg mum regaled him with a tale about spying her neighbour putting something into their bin, and the stare she threw to let her know she’d spotted her devious act.
“Joe said ‘I think you need to go back to work’,” she said.
Tahlia agreed.
“I like to be in control of my life, I’m very goal-oriented,” she said.
“I chose to let go of that control when I went into labour, trusting that my body knew what it needed to do.”
But her difficult labour ended in an emergency caesarean.
“That set us up for our first few weeks together with a background of trauma,” she said.
“The bond didn’t happen immediately.
“It set the scene for me for my first year.”
Tahlia met her mothers’ group when Raffy was about six weeks old.
“I was having a really difficult time, I wasn’t enjoying it,” she said.
“I said ‘who’s looking forward to going back to work? Because I’m really looking forward to going back to work.’.
“I felt like I had three heads.
“That seemed to be perceived as not something that you say.
“No one else could relate.
“It caused me to isolate myself further.
“I was talking to a counsellor at that time, trying to reconcile my identity.
“You can’t predict one day to the next. That was a big adjustment for me, having gone from being a full-time employee in a profession I really loved and was passionate about and achieving things, to maybe being able to have a shower.”
Six months after welcoming Raffy into the world, Tahlia returned to work.
“I sort of found my purpose again, which is not to say I wasn’t fulfilled by my child,” she said.
“Some people are built to be a stay-at-home parent.
“I have so much admiration for that skill set. I don’t have that skill set.
“I don’t have the creativity and the imagination to spend that time with a child and give them the stimulation they need.
“Each experience is different and it’s up to that person or that family to decide what works for them.
“There shouldn’t be one way to do things.”
Tahlia completed her MBA when Raffy was 18 months old.
“I feel like it’s a real example for him,” she said.
“You can do anything, whatever gender you are.
“Gone are the days where it’s not expected that mums would achieve things outside of their families.
“I had done most of it before Raffy was born and I had two subjects to finish.
“I did them while on maternity leave and it kept me connected to the outside world.
“I had three hours with adults talking about topics I was interested in.
“I was able to do that because I had a supportive partner.”
Tahlia and Joe’s second son, Spencer, was born during Covid times and she got back to work sooner thanks to working from home.
“The way that I’m wired is I get my energy from being alone,” she said.
“If I had to be physically with people all day and then come home and be with my kids before they go to bed, I don’t think I’d be able to function as well as I’m able to.
“I’m very fortunate to have found an incredibly supportive workplace, and manager in particular, who understands that I have these demands on my life, and that for me to be really effective at my job my work environment needs to be conducive to that.”
The age gap between the boys is almost five years, following trouble conceiving.
“I’m really glad that it happened that way. Now we have a 6-year-old who is such a big help,” Tahlia said.
“We started on that journey going ‘we’re really happy with one child, if it happens, it happens’.
“It got so far down the line that I just had to know what was happening, and I had to exhaust all options to know why it wasn’t happening.
“I very quickly lost the perspective of ‘if it happens, it happens’.”
She feels fortunate that Spencer was conceived with their first embryo transfer.
Motherhood has helped Tahlia better understand her strengths and skills.
“And it also showed me in real time the value of child care and how valuable it is for different kids,” she said.
“Spencer is an extrovert in a family of introverts.
“He needs to go to child care to be around people all the time so that he’s constantly being entertained.
“Raffy, he’s also a bit introverted, he’s really calm, he’s really happy to occupy himself.
“It helped him find his confidence and learn social skills.
“It’s for education as much as it is for child minding.”
